Friday, June 01, 2007

"You Don't Have a Soul"

Shocking statement, isn't it? I haven't put a lot of my thoughts on my blog recently. Unlike my friend Sonja's recent (and brilliant) excuse of having a monkey on her head, I have no such excuse. The truth is I've been living in what I assume is the pregnancy hormone-induced world of depression. No thoughts that any of you would want to read, I can assure you. As the rest of C.S. Lewis' quote says, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." Some days I feel like the true ME is a caboose, linked up to a train of hormones, chemicals, and 'body.' I rattle along behind, not wanting to travel down into THAT valley, or across THAT river, or through THOSE mountains. I truly, truly, truly am a control freak, and so these days leave me quite discombobulated. It's on these days that my wonderful husband advises me to come to no conclusions, and to not think too hard about anything. Anyone else find that it's easiest to jump to weird conclusions when you're least lucid? ;o) So... on today, I'm just trying not to derail somewhere in some conclusion about my life in general. I'm just praying for enough balance to stay sane, enough clarity of thought to parent 'decently,' and enough sense to allow myself and others some grace and mercy. "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow..." He is faithful!

6 comments:

Tara said...

I am sorry, Charity, that you are going through this. I have been there. Many nights I have pillowed my head and just told God to be patient with me 'one more day; just hold me one more day'. You are wise to not make any lofty expectations of yourself right now or make any drastic decisions. This will pass. I think it just takes time and has to 'run its course' sometimes. I know that doesn't sound very spiritual, but that's just been my own experience. And I would also prescribe some pampering. In a few short weeks, that will be less likely to happen! If you need me to put a bug in Nate's ear, you know I'll do it! He knows he better listen to me!

You know you can call me anytime! And aren't you glad that that quote doesn't end with the first sentence?!?

Love you all bunches.

Charity said...

Thanks, Tara for the understanding and encouragement. It's great to have good friends to lean on. And yes, I'm soooo glad that quote didn't end with the first sentence!

Here's another one I've been thinking about since we're coming up on the 3rd 'anniversary' of the dog attack and THAT yucky year in general... "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." Lewis had a way with words :o)

maryellenhuff said...

After our second child was born and I had been back on the pill for several months I noticed that I just wasn't myself AT ALL and finally figured out that for whatever odd reason it was the pill playing havoc with my hormones. Once I went off and my old self returned and I realized how unpleasant I had been for a few months I told my husband that anything and everything I had said to him about him that was negative, complaining, etc. he could just forget about - none of it was true and I was definetly not thinking with a clear head. I know exactly what you mean, amazing how much our homones can affect our moods - how we think, feel and act. The good news is that when it is caused by pregnancy we know it will be coming to an end! I honestly don't know how people go through those low times without God by their side, something I have no desire to ever do. I hope and pray that you'll feel better soon!

Marty said...

Charity,

I too have also been where you are in this stage of your life...three times! I TOTALLY understand, and like Tara says...it will end. Just remember that saying I'm sorry or I'm wrong is okay in marriage and parenting! Poor Steven and I had alot of tears and prayer times during my 2nd pregnancy. But, it drew us closer together. Katherine will love you even more..even thou she doesn't understand it now!

Keep your chin up! I KNOW you are doing a WONDERFUL job and mothering and being a wife!

Sonja said...

Charity, I have NEVER been where you are, so I won't try to empathize. :-) However, I have struggled with wild emotions after some of my heart issues. Your husband gives good advice. And you're absolutely right, I've reached some doozies of conclusions when I wasn't very lucid at all!! I would say this. It may not apply to you, but I had to start learning it the hard way. Accept help, and bring your expectations for yourself down a notch. By the way, did I mention - accept help? :-)

kayla said...

Hang in there. I've been through the same thing four times. My conclusion is that the hormones are worse with boys. We're just not used to all that testosterone floating around in us. No scientific facts there, but a really good theory to use as an excuse.